With Apologies To Linkara
by Crow T R0bot
Summary: When Seras is ambushed and cornered by Anderson on an otherwise routine extermination. Alucard tells her some magic words that may yet save the day.


Disclaimer: I do not own Hellsing or Atop The Fourth Wall. They are the property of Kouta Hirano, Louis "Linkara" Lovhaug and ThatGuyWithTheGlasses dot-com respectively.

Well, after "Bum Reviews: Hellsing," I decided to make another fic in honor of TGWTG. Here it is.

Seras did a diving roll around the L-turn in the hallway, just feeling the wind of three blessed bayonets rocket past her and bury themselves to the hilt in the wall behind her.

Once again, Paladin Alexander Anderson had ambushed them in their attempts to contain a vampiric outbreak in a Northern Irish town. Just as in their first encounter, Anderson had beaten them to the punch, and had now gone after the vampire hunting vampires themselves.

Her master was apparently unaware of the Paladin's presence, as he had not come to her aid. He had been trying to search the second floor and the attic in search for any ghoul stragglers and missed Anderson entirely. Because of this, she now had the Iscariot agent's full attention, and he intended to get a potential annoyance out of the way to make sure nothing distracted him from bringing down her master.

"Cahm out, cahm out, vampire!" The so-called Judas Priest hissed. "There be no point in runnin' lass. I sealed all the doors n' windows in this house when ye' came in. You're trapped like the rat you are!"

Seras ran as quickly down the next hall she could, having a momentous head start on Anderson. However, she could hear that his even footsteps were simply walking. If she didn't know any better, he was practically taunting her. Like he said, he had all the exits blocked, he could bide his time.

Reaching a dead end, Seras ducked into the nearest door, a spacious bedroom. Realizing how thoroughly the priest would search, she leapt across the lavishly decorated bed and quickly hid herself in a closet.

'_Oh great. He hasn't even seen me yet and I'm cornered!'_ Seras bemoaned her situation. _'If the Harkonnen weren't too damn big to bring indoors and I hadn't dropped my other gun, I could have at least held him off long enough for master to chase him away!'_

'_In a spot, Police Girl?' _Her master's voice spoke in her head.

'_Yes master, Anderson has me cornered in the first floor guest bedroom. He'll be on top of me any minute!'_

'_On top of you? Police Girl, I didn't think you'd be one to go behind your pet frog's back. You never struck me as so unfaithful.'_ Her master replied coyly.

'_Master, this is serious!'_ She could hear her own hissing in her head._ 'If you don't get back down here soon, I. am. Going. To. Die!...__**again!**__'_

'_Believe me Police Girl, I'd love to help, but the Judas Priest has been sneakier than usual. He put seals on the attic entrance while I was still inside it, so you'll probably be a smear on the wall by the time I escape.'_

Seras did all she could not to whimper, but Alucard, to her surprise, had a bit of good news.

'_Oh don't piss yourself Police Girl; you don't need guns to bring down that Paladin. Why, I think I know just the trick to put him in his place. But you're going to have to listen carefully. What I'm about to teach you is the same attack my first master used to bring me down to size in order to turn me into the ultimate family heirloom...'_

The ever eager Anderson plodded down the hallway, his heavy footsteps echoing on the wood. He had just caught a glimpse of the fair Draculina retreating into a room at the far end of the hallway. His glasses and pearly white teeth glistened in the darkness, as did the rows of bayonets clenched between each finger.

"When ah saw him, ah fell down at 'is feet like a dead man. But 'e placed his right hand on me n' said, 'Stop bein' afraid! I am the first n' the last.'" He began his obligatory Bible quoting. He had fallen behind on his yearly quota, if only because he hadn't killed many enemies of mankind and the Church lately. Now was as good a time as any. "...the living one. I was dead, but look-I am alive forever n' ever! I ha' the keys of Death n' Hades..."

The priest's massive foot brought the bedroom door down as though it were made of toothpicks. The pieces of the door that remained were certainly small enough to be them. He could smell the death that was hiding in this room, and he was more than happy to cover it up with the deodorizer of the Lord.

'_...Master this is no time for a joke!'_ Seras yelled in her head.

'_Come on Police Girl, I may not be very chivalrous, but when have I ever lied to you?'_ Alucard's voice was as smug as ever, but was surprisingly serious.

'_You expect me to believe that Abraham Van Helsing just said...well, _that,_ and that's all it took to bring you down. All it takes to bring Anderson down? Why have you never used it yourself?'_

'_First of all, you should know by now that some...creative license was taken when the good Mr. Stoker wrote my story. He felt that Abraham's last words before he defeated me weren't very...eloquent. He felt using the stake was a much more poetic end considering my favorite form of killing at the time.' _The No Life King explained before moving on. _'Secondly, the Judas Priest is too much fun. If I did it myself, it would kill him and I'd have to wait another century for a worthy playmate. He might live through it if you try it though, but at the same time it'll be more than enough to make him back off.'_

'_But still...this just sounds utterly ridiculous.'_ She remarked, for want of any more effective argument.

Before Alucard could reply, however, she heard Anderson's loud entry into the room.

"Therefore, write down what ye have seen, what is, and what is going to happen after this," Droned the priest. Seras heard him continuing the first chapter of the Book of Revelation and moving into the second.

'_Looks like it's the moment of truth Police Girl,' _her master warned. _'Just remember. Even though you're a girl, you have to phrase those magic words __**exactly**__ as I did, or it won't work.' _With that grim remark, Alucard cheerfully concluded _'toodles!'_

'_Master wait...damnit!'_

However, no sooner did her frustrations pour into her head than the closet door began to splinter as the Paladin assaulted it.

"Ye have endured and suffered because of mah name, yet ye have not grown weary…" Bellowed Anderson's slightly muffled voice. Soon it became unmuffled as bayonets hacked the door away. "However, I have this against ye: Ye have abandoned the love ye had a' first."

Her master was right, she didn't have any choice. Clenching her fists, she frowned and brought her hands up to her face.

"Therefore, remember how far ye have fallen. Repent and go back to what ye were doing at first..." The regenerator paused mid-verse as he plucked the bayonets from the splintered door and brought his leg up for another kick. "If ye don't, Ah will come to you and remove your lamp stand from its place-**unless ye repent**!"

And with that mighty priestly cry, the door slammed to the ground, free of its hinges.

While the priest immediately identified Seras behind the door, just standing just out of reach of its fall. He paused after taking only one step towards her. Instead of the scared reluctant bloodsucker he had known since the Badrick incident, her face was marked by a mild anger, and her arms were held up to her face, not out of fear, but simply an act of putting her fists in an ideal position before they were thrown.

Clenching her fists even more tightly, the abomination sucked in a deep breath before tightening its frown and shouted...

"_**...I AM A MAN!"**_

The priest was so taken aback by the words, coupled with the angry tone and the surprisingly deep voice it was shouted in, that he didn't have time to register the punch flying at him.

Seras had her eyes closed as soon as those words passed through her mouth. They must have stayed closed for a good 15 seconds before she reluctantly opened one of them, noticing the Paladin was no longer in front of her.

Opening both her eyes fully, she saw just what might lead her to the priest...

...A hole in the wall across the room.

Creeping through the drywall, Seras caught the sight of Anderson struggling, yes, _struggling_ to his feet, clutching his stomach in agony...and when a rather appetizing smell hit her nose, she looked to see his clothes from the stomach down were oozing with blood...even the ropey forms of shredded intestine dangled from the strange wound, flopping around as the priest staggered to find the strength to stand back up.

"Guh...Muh..." He said looking at the Draculina before doubling over in pain and half-coughing, half-vomiting up an extra helping of blood.

"OhmygodOhmygodOhmygod!" Seras sputtered as it finally hit her just how serious Anderson's new condition was. "I'm so sorry, I didn't mean it to hurt that much!"

"Up yours...monster." Anderson hissed weakly before almost falling over again. "...If ye want an appetizer, just take wha' ye got in yer hand."

"Huh?" Seras blinked, wondering what the Paladin could have meant when she noticed the warm, sticky sensation on her right hand.

Lifting it up to examine, Seras shrieked as she noticed a piece of bloody intestine wrapped around her wrist and jumped around like Mario trying to shake it off. It flopped off quickly and gently smacked into the Paladin's face, smearing blood on his glasses.

"Fine..." Anderson muttered with an unusual sarcasm. "Rub it in, why don't ye?"

"I'm so sorry! I just didn't think I could..." It was about then that Seras calmed down enough to notice something amiss about what was happening. "Wait a minute! Shouldn't you have regenerated by now?" Seras asked as she noticed the man's guts were still dangling from his stomach, held in place only by the arm clutching it.

"That?" Anderson asked, "That's just..." Between the gritting of his teeth and the brief rolling back of his eyes in thought, Seras could swear he seemed to be making up an answer, "...I turned off mah regeneratin' technologeh mehself, to ah..." He seemed to think it through some more "...uh, build character. Ye know what the Greeks say, 'smooth seas don't make good sailors,' Em Ah right?"

"Uh..." Seras wasn't sure how to respond to that.

"Neveh mind." The Paladin was barely coherent due to a sudden gurgling sound in his throat. "I'll kill ye next time!"

And with that, the Human Regenerator disappeared in yet another cloud of Bible pages.

As the pages disbursed, Seras looked back in the wide hole in the wall Anderson had left. Even having handled what mounted to portable artillery, Seras didn't think she, or even her master had the strength necessary to cause that much destruction with one punch.

She looked at her fist and thought about what her master said. Had claiming to be the wrong gender _really_ given her a temporary strength boost?

No, no, it had to be some sort of placebo effect...No; placebo effects only work if you _believed_ they would work.

Still, Seras never wanted to say those words again. Not because they were uncomfortable to say, but because they just sounded _idiotic_ in the boorish tone she shouted them with. Even a geriatric Superman from a post-apocalyptic had to have more sense than that.

Ignoring just what prompted her to come up with that very specific train of thought, she ducked back through the hole and went for the attic to help her master leave.

"No additional civilian casualties, minimal ghoul encounters, one disabled priest..." Integra dragged her finger over each item on the report. "...I must say that's a record for us. Still, we should be vigilant in case Anderson grows the other half of his brain."

"Master, I used to lead armies back in the bad old days," Alucard reassured. "I know a thing or two about strategy, don't you worry your pretty little head about it."

"Very well," her attention then turned to Seras, standing obediently besides her master, however, her words still weren't directed at her. "Alucard, you're dismissed. There's something I want to talk to Seras about in private."

"As you wish, master." Alucard replied before phasing through the floor and out of the room, leaving his fledgling alone with the Hellsing heir.

"Seras...Alucard told me everything." Integra said in a neutral tone.

"Uh..." Seras started to feel a little nervous, wondering if she had displeased Integra or her own master in some way. "Define 'everything.'" Some worry filled her request.

"First of all Seras..." Integra said in an uncharacteristically sympathetic tone. "...I just want you to know that in spite of my religious upbringing, I know times change, and I consider myself a progressive person."

"Uh, what does that have to do with..." Seras stopped mid-syllable as Integra held out her hand in a 'stop' gesture.

"I just want you to know that I won't think any less of you because of your...gender identity issues." Integra finished.

"...What?!" That one word was so muddled with shock it came out as an incoherent hiss, unintelligible to Integra's human ears.

"I ask you only stay silent because I can't promise the rest of the staff will be as understanding. Walter's nice and all, but he's the product of an older generation, so I can't guarantee he'll accept you for what you are. As for the Wild Geese, that goes without..."

"Sir Integra!" Seras tried to interrupt, "It's nothing like that..."

"_Hush!_" Integra hissed. "It's okay Seras, your secret is safe with me, and Alucard is forbidden to utter a peep about it until you consent otherwise." Strangely, her voice began to sound even more 'reassuring.' "As for the 'problem' itself, don't worry, considering one of Alucard's forms, drinking enough blood should allow you to take whatever forms you please. You should really see what an adorable little girl your master can be some times." Integra mused.

Seras tried once more to correct the woman about the whole issue when Integra's last words caught up with her.

"Master as..._ a what?!_"

The above was probably quite stupid, but the idea has been nagging at me for a while, so I wrote this little ficlet. I hope you at least got a chuckle out of it. :P


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